big ol' gif round-up

Just when I think I'm making good headway on getting on state health insurance:

Those days I am too tired to do anything, but have just enough energy to be aware of the nothing being done:

Finding out I have been simultaneously approved for and denied SSI:

When my darling fiancé makes jokes to lighten the mood at oncology appointments:

Waking up in recovery after surgery:

My doctor tells me I'm having another marrow biopsy/an intravenous catheter/any sort of rectal exam or imaging:

Walking back to an exam room, nurses ask me how I am doing:

...but every third or fourth visit, once the exam room door is shut:

The days I get to go out and see my friends, even

...feels like

pictorial happy

• Adventures with friends
• Oregon coast
• Make'sy-create'sy
• Dog friends and respect for their anonymity
• Sea birds who mate for life
• Self amusement
• Living a beautiful city
• Escape to the fairy tale land that surrounds my mom's house

medicine brain

When all this is over and I'm no longer exhausted from anemia; infection; chemo; pain; and lack of sleep, and am finally able to get through a day without any thought to pain management, I am going to be so very awake. I hope I can find a way to make good use of all that energy and clarity. I am excited for that day I am out of this constant fog because it is going to taste exactly like sitting on the dock at camp late at night when it is just cool enough for a hoodie and you fill your lungs as far as they can take it just to have some of that magic in you. I try to simulate the feeling at the beach or up at my folks' place in the woods, but chemicals and fatigue keep turning cool air off the lake into warm air just before a rain.

forget brave

There is a collective agreement within my support network that I am allowed to feel puny and scared. I appreciate this sentiment because I have no choice in the matter and the experience is surreal.

I am used to feeling tough. Brazen, strong and independent. Maybe those moments still come but they seem muted somehow, like voices on the other side of the door or breathing through wet wool. I am not used to feeling small and nervous and bug-eyed. I have been scared before, but in time it always turned to simmering indignation that cooled or became a head of steam. Now I exist in an ever-present state of uncertainty and fear that becomes a sideways response to, "how are you? You look great!": Thank you, but I'm feeling kind of tired and puny lately.

I am very glad my people let me feel that way and do the brave stuff for me.