oh, me.

Oh, me. Where are you taking me? A chair or a bed propped up with pillows with a humming lap warmer we use to tinker and paint, building modest homes for virtual souls from the ground up. Little scaffolds, bits of colored scrim, windows that open to precisely set pictures. In stages. Let's build stages for others to play on, some who will drift by, some who will come home. Oh, let's leave what we've built for others and paint on elsewhere. Let's take our contraptions of plastic and celluloid and enshrine everything holy. Take me over the deep ocean to a small land so I can capture the light off flowers, off the surf, off faces so beautiful simply from smiling in the sun. But islands are small and I can hear the music of the sea calling as it ebbs and crashes into a walkway made to translate the ocean for people, so we can hear her song in its open, sonorous voice. Let's scoop up our two ears and pad through the sand in search of monoliths to climb. Let's embrace craggy rock faces with our whole bodies in different shapes until we see the desert stretched around behind us and feel the rocks so warm. Let's march back to the woods with scratched elbows and burnt knees and eyes of sunlight and drop it all into the dear river so the bundle of parts can float along beside outcroppings and trees and let the roll of the river shuffle all the parts back together so they can be home. Oh, me. We do miss adventure.

surfing birthday

I'm going to Hawai'i! I will be attending Camp Koru in May for surf & paddle board camp with other cancer survivors. Camp takes place over my 31st birthday. What an excellent birthday present!

Ed understands my excitement

Today is day 192

My memory is still damaged from the BMT. It doesn't help that I spent two years on a variety of strong medication to keep my chronic pain under control. I can't remember a lot of details from things I have read or seen in the last few years, and sometimes things I do remember get a little scrambled when I try to recall them. Trying to have pop culture conversations can be a little embarrassing, though I get the benefit of re-experiencing a story with a fresh mind if I want to come back to something I know I enjoyed but remember foggily.

I am trying to learn javascript, and it is making me crazy. I refreshed my HTML and CSS knowledge without much effort, but learning a new language is harder than I expected. I've been splitting my learning between Code Academy (which has a handy experiential tutorial, but is sometimes buggy) and w3schools.com (which is information-rich, sometimes to a fault for a beginner), so I have everything I need to know at my fingertips. Still, I have a lot of moments of staring dumbly at my screen while I try to remember something I learned five minutes ago. This is tough. I am used to learning everything quickly, processing new information easily, rarely slowing down. What gives me hope, though, is that my brain seems to function a little better every day.

Exercise seems to help. The more I can get moving, the sharper I feel. I guess that should be obvious, what with improved circulation and all the science behind exercise and improved mood and mental faculties, but I tell you I am living it. Usually, I do 30 minutes of recumbent bike and 15-20 minutes of strength-building like resistance bands. I just got into this "30 Day Shred" video series put out by Jillian Michaels, which is maybe a little more intensity than I need but it burns soooo good. I made it all the way through for the first time last night and today I am still feeling a little wimpy. I was nervous to walk down the stairs this morning! I'm not an idiot, though, so today I am taking it easy, doing a little flow yoga, and enjoying my day. I also took a break from javascript and am having a little "weekend" kind of day. I have to remind myself that if something is wearing me out or making me feel nuts, I need to take a break and shift gears so I don't burn myself out.

go, lil' immune system!

I had a gyn/onc check-up yesterday and the doc said shit looks awesome down there. My immune system is kicking the HPV's ass. That's right, the devil virus is getting beaten down and I am DESTROYING IT WITH MY OWN CELLS. Fuck to the yes.