forget brave

There is a collective agreement within my support network that I am allowed to feel puny and scared. I appreciate this sentiment because I have no choice in the matter and the experience is surreal.

I am used to feeling tough. Brazen, strong and independent. Maybe those moments still come but they seem muted somehow, like voices on the other side of the door or breathing through wet wool. I am not used to feeling small and nervous and bug-eyed. I have been scared before, but in time it always turned to simmering indignation that cooled or became a head of steam. Now I exist in an ever-present state of uncertainty and fear that becomes a sideways response to, "how are you? You look great!": Thank you, but I'm feeling kind of tired and puny lately.

I am very glad my people let me feel that way and do the brave stuff for me.